The Devil (666) sends an Internet message (IM) to Christian Girl (CG), who provides a self-description in her profile: "5 ft. 2 in., brown hair with a tint of red, dark brown eyes, 108 lbs ... cute, huh?"
666: Are you as sexy as your profile makes you out to be?
666: I'm looking for a companion.
CG: Right ... Well, your screen name and mine conflict a little. I don't know if I'm what you're looking for.
666: Are you a Christian chick?
666: Then you are what I am looking for.
CG: I don't understand.
666: I need a Christian girl to be my Queen in Hell. Are you interested?
666: Why not?
CG: I won't be in Hell.
666: How come?
CG: Because my God promises me eternal life in Heaven.
666: Haven't you heard? God is no longer accepting souls into Heaven. Hell is better, anyway. We have more theme parks.
CG: You are rude.
666: I have two tickets to DevilLand. Want to come with me?
CG does not answer.
666: Are you afraid of me?
666: Why do you like God so much?
666 stops sending IMs to CG.
JESUS FREAK GIRL
666 sends an IM to Jesus Freak Girl (JFG), a self-proclaimed "servant of Jesus."
666: What exactly is a "Jesus freak?"
JFG: Someone who is a freak for Jesus, who would do whatever it takes to show people His love. Someone who can't get enough of Him.
666: By "whatever it takes," do you mean everything? Would you kill for Jesus?
JFG: No. He would never have anyone kill for Him. That is ridiculous. I mean by doing anything it takes to get His word out to people who don't know it.
666: When I think of "Jesus freaks," I imagine those retards who run around flapping their arms, yelling, "Look at me! I'm a Jesus Freak!" Then they blow up an abortion clinic, or something. Do you do that sort of stuff?
JFG: No. I just sport my Jesus gear and talk about Him and do what He would in situations.
666: Do you have a Jesus fish on your car?
JFG: No. I have a dove.
666: Do you have a boyfriend?
666: How old are you?
JFG: Sixteen. You?
666: Six billion ... Do you ever think about Satan?
JFG: I think he is an idiot.
666: He is a pretty powerful Angel, though. Doesn't that count for something?
JFG: No. He turned his back on God. He is stupid ... and is not an angel. How come you are fascinated with him?
666: I believe that Satan has gotten a bum rap.
JFG: It's his own fault. He turned on his Creator and lies to everyone about everything.
666: Actually, Satan stood up for humanity. The Dark Lord gave humans the gift of knowledge of good and evil. God banished him for being kind to humans.
JFG: Yeah, and if it weren't for his stupidity, we would be living in a utopia and walking with God, and not here on Earth.
666: Trust me. You wouldn't like Paradise. It is nothing like in the picture books. It is just a big dumping ground now.
JFG: I would love Paradise.
666: Have you ever been to Paradise?
JFG: God's grace is enough Paradise.
666: How do you know that you would love Paradise, if you have never been there?
JFG: I know I would. It's what God has for me in Heaven. Why do you believe there is no Paradise? Or better yet, believe what Satan tells you?
666: Actually, I have been to Paradise. Granted, it was beautiful once. But, ever since God drowned the human race, there has been a steady stream of good, decent human souls pouring out from the Pearly Gates of Heaven. The place is a ghetto now, filled with criminals, who all "found" Jesus after killing or raping some poor Christian on Earth.
JFG: Why do you choose to be blinded from the truth?
666: I am telling you the truth. Satan tells you how it actually is.
JFG: No. He lies and cheats.
666: What does Satan lie about? Can you give me an example?
JFG: Everything ... He says stuff to get you away from God.
666: Oh, that is silly. I am trying to open your eyes. Satan doesn't want to deceive you.
JFG: Yes, he does. He is the Father of Lies. Take drugs, for instance. Satan says, "You should try them ... everyone else is." When, no! Not everyone else is. The Christians aren't.
666: That is a lie! I have NEVER condoned taking drugs. Drugs alter your mind. They cause you to see and believe things that aren't real. That is why, as a matter of fact, it is actually the followers of Jesus who hurl drugs upon the sheep.
JFG: So, what you are telling me is you don't mind going to Hell?
666: That's right. Hell is actually a lovely place, with fresh flowers, big buildings, beautiful souls, etc. The common conception of Hell is all wrong. It is drawn from the Bible, which is a bunch of lies and myths.
JFG: You are lost. So, then, what is Heaven?
666: Heaven is a wasteland for unevolved Angels and bad souls.
JFG: No ... Ok, then, about Jesus. Who is He to you?
666: Well, Jesus is my Archenemy. I think He has given up the fight, though. I have not seen Him in 2000 years. And, you see how much progress I have made in the world since His disappearance, don't you? ... Of course, there were some difficult periods. During the Dark Ages, for example, I had many unsuccessful battles with Jesus-lovers. I thought the human mind would never evolve. But, then the Enlightenment came, and Christianity started to break down.
JFG: LoL ... First of all, Jesus has affected too many to count since His death and His Resurrection. And Satan is going to be pounded when Jesus is done with him.
666: Did you know that 5000 mortals lose their faith each day?
JFG: Do you know how many more gain their faith in Christ?
666: Yes. About 550 people turn to Christ each day. So, you can see, the numbers are in my favor.
JFG: Uh, no. I know there is nothing I can do to convince you that Satan is a liar and a deceiver. So the only thing I can do is to pray for you, and hope to see you in Paradise with Jesus.
666: Would you like to take a tour of Hell? Maybe you would change your mind.
JFG: Uh, no. I think it won't.
666: We have a nice seafood restaurant. Do you like fish?
JFG: You know that Jesus is Lord.
666: I am a Lord, too. So what?
JFG: You are fooled.
666: Have you ever had a personal one-on-one with Jesus?
JFG: I have heard His voice.
666: So, you know that He has that kind of annoying lisp, right?
JFG: No. That must be Satan's you are hearing.
666: Are you a virgin?
JFG: I don't know what kinda sick games you think you are playing with me. I just know it's my bedtime, and I will pray for you, and God Bless you, and Jesus Loves you. And I pray that you hear the truth.
666: I enjoyed getting to know you, Freak Girl. Don't forget me!
JFG: I won't. You will be in my prayers.
666: I love all Christian chicks.
JFG: That's good. Maybe soon you will get to know one and accept Christ.
666: I might get lucky. There is a Christian girl who wants to meet me at an airport on Christmas Day.
JFG: Oh yeah?
666: Yes. She is interested in vacationing with me in Hell. You can come along if you want.
JFG: No, it's alright.
666: Shall I send you a postcard?
JFG: No, it's alright. I think I can handle without.
666: What color eyes do you have?
JFG: The color an Irish girl has.
666: Blue ... Do you have dark hair?
JFG: No. Brown.
666: Do you have full, Irish breasts?
JFG: Sorry to cut it short, but I have to go to bed.
666: Well, don't forget to pray for me.
JFG: I won't.
666: And let the flames guide your soul!
JFG: God bless you. Goodnight.
JFG logs off the IP.
These dialogues were selected from Christian Chicks & The Devil: The Search for a Queen, which is available for purchase in the Pamphlets section.