Dialogues with Christian Chicks

Dialogues From Weirdo Thinking

Weirdo Thinking

The Trickster vs. The Treats

The Search for a Queen

Stepping Over the Line

The Hellman Cometh

ANGELCAKES

The Devil (666) sends an Internet message (IM) to Angelcakes (AC), who offers religious "guidance".

666: Hello, I was wondering if you could give me some guidance.

AC: Like?

666: I was banished from Heaven. I need to get back. How would I go about doing that?

AC: Ask God for His forgiveness and follow the Heavenly path.

666: I don't think He will forgive me. Is there a back entrance where I can sneak in?

AC: That's not funny.

666: Well, it's just that God is the one who banished me. He doesn't like me. But I really need to get into Heaven.

AC: He loves everybody. And if you really need to get into Heaven, you can start by changing your screen name. Ask for forgiveness. God is a very understanding Man. He loves all.

666: God is a Man? Do you think He will sell His soul to me?

AC: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! DON'T FUCK WITH ME! NO WONDER YOU WERE BANISHED. DON'T TALK TO ME ANYMORE!

666: There's no need to be evil with me.

AC: I'M NOT THE EVIL ONE. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!

666: Good luck getting into Heaven now, Sweetcakes.

AC blocks IMs from 666.

DIOS TE AMA

666 sends an IM to DiosTeAma (DTA), whose profile is nothing but Jesus-gibberish.

666: Do you think it is morally wrong to talk to Satan?

DTA: Morally, it depends. What do you mean by talking with him?

666: Let's say that Satan sent you an internet message, and you replied. Would that be morally wrong?

DTA: First of all, if Satan would send an internet message to me, he'd probably be dumb to do that.  Secondly, I don't know if it is "Morally" wrong to talk to Satan, but I talk to him all the time. What I do is rebuke him and remind him of His Future Lake of Fire that is waiting for him.  And remind him that Jesus has defeated him.

666: Yeah, I was going to ask you why you do that. Jesus hasn't defeated me. I don't know what you are talking about. I haven't heard from Jesus in 2000 years.

DTA: Yeah, right!!! Whatever. First of all you're not Satan.  Secondly, if you are ... don't worry, when the trumpet sounds you'll be hearing more than just His mighty voice!

666: What will I hear?

DTA: I don't know. Maybe outcries of victory from the Heavens. Maybe praise and worship music.  Maybe outcries of defeat from your part. Maybe angelic beings warring against you. Maybe ... I don't know. You take the pick.

666: Maybe I will hear the wailing of Jesus as I beat him into the ground with my fists.

DTA: Oh, trust me, you will never, ever, ever beat Jesus.  You tried it once on the cross at calvary and what happened???  He took the keys of death and Hell away. He defeated Death!  Face it! Jesus HAS WON ALREADY!!!!!!!! Look man, in the name of Jesus, I REBUKE YOU AND BIND YOU IN THE NAME OF JESUS! Not in Mohammad's name, not in my pastor's name, not in my name, not in an angel's name, and not in any other name, but the Name of JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

666: Incidentally, do you want to be my Queen in Hell?

DTA does not respond.

666: Can you repeat that line again? The one where you talk about "binding" me?

DTA: Look man! Get saved or else you'll end up in Hell with your father Satan!

666: Do you really think I can be saved?

DTA: Yes, I do.

666: What would I be saving myself from?

DTA: An eternal lake of fire, from your sin, from Adam's sin that is placed on us since the day we are born. We are all sinners, but those who reject Satan and ask Jesus to be their Lord and Savior are walking in forgiveness, because Jesus died on the cross at calvary as the ultimate, pure, spotless, sacrifice to free us from that sin. Therefore, to those who ask Jesus to come into their heart and be their Lord and Savior, to them is given the gift of eternal life, rather than being thrown in an eternal lake of fire where they will be tortured day in and day out ... eternally.

666: Oh, I know that is not true. The lake of fire is a great wonder of the supernatural realm. It is a tourist attraction. It is a cleansing pool of fire. Nobody gets tortured. That is a silly Biblical myth.

DTA: Yeah, right!  We'll see if you still think it's a "Biblical myth"  once you die, or Jesus comes again, and you find yourself in the middle of it ... that's if you never asked Jesus to be your Lord and Savior. So, you wanna get saved, young man, yes or no???

666: Well, I know I have to get back into Heaven somehow.

DTA: So, is that a yes?

666: Why the Hell not! So ... what do I have to do?

DTA: Just pray this simple prayer:

Dear Jesus Christ, I believe that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe that You suffered the punishment for my sin by Your death on the cross, and that You arose from the grave. I now receive You into my heart as my Lord and Savior. Lord Jesus, I thank You for forgiving me and for saving me through Your merciful grace. Amen.

Yes, salvation really is that simple, because God loves you and that's the good news! :-) If you said that prayer and meant it, God heard you and forgave you. You are now a born again Christian saved from Hell, and your eternal destiny in Heaven is secure. Welcome to the family of God.

666: Okay, here it goes:

Dear Jesus Christ, I know that You think I am a sinner, so I ask for Your forgiveness. I know You suffered the punishment for what You thought was my sin by Your death on the cross ...

How am I doing so far?

DTA: Very good, IF you're meaning every word you're typing. Only you know your heart.

666: I feel much better now. Thank you.

DTA: How about the rest? ... and that You arose from the grave. I now receive You into my heart as my Lord and Savior. Lord Jesus, I thank You for forgiving me and for saving me through Your merciful grace. Amen. 

666: Dear Jesus, You arose from the grave. Now You receive me into my heart as my Lord and Savior. Lord Jesus, I thank You for forgiving me and for saving me through Your merciful grace. Amen. Is that all?

DTA: Yes. If you did do that prayer, I thank the Lord that now I will one day meet you in Heaven when Jesus comes back for us. But if you did it just to humor me, then I'm afraid I will never meet you ... So, where are you from?

666: Originally, I am from Heaven. That is why I want to get back there.

DTA: Very funny!  Look, when you're serious about asking Jesus into your life, you've got the simple prayer to guide you in the words to say or you can say them in your own words. Goodnight to whoever you are, and May you have a face-to-face encounter with your God, and once and for all know that He is real.

666: Have you ever been to the Underworld?

DTA: NO, I haven't. And I never will, because Jesus rules and reigns in my life, mind, heart, soul, and spirit. He rules and reigns in all of me. BYE!

666: Maybe there is a shortcut to Heaven? You know, like a Cliff's Note version of that prayer?

DTA: I don't think so, dude.  Jesus is the ONLY way! It's not through Virgin Mary. It's not through any saints of old. It's not through Satan. It's not through a religion. It's not through being good. It's ONLY through JESUS!

666: It's so tough being a demon. Everybody can tell you how to get to Heaven. But nobody is willing to actually take you there. Will you take me to Heaven?

DTA: I thought you were Satan. Now you're a demon ... Look, you're the one with the choice in your hands, Heaven or Hell?  Life or Death?  Jesus or Satan?  A Victory or a LOSER?  If I were you, I'd pick Heaven, Life, Jesus and serving Jesus who is our Victory! You make the decision ... Choose you this day, whom will you serve?

666: Hrm ... It is such a tough choice.

DTA: No, it's not.

666: It all looks so good. Can't I have both?

DTA: Choose you this day, whom will you serve?   

666: I serve myself.

DTA: Oh yeah, well that's good. HELLO! You'll still end up in an eternal fire. There are only two choices. It's either Satan or Jesus.  If you reject Jesus Christ, then you serve Satan ... If you serve Satan, you go to an eternal lake of fire once you are dead, or once Christ Jesus returns.

666 does not reply.

DTA: So where are you from, dude?

666: Right now I am inside someone's house in California.

DTA: Ok. Well, I wanted to be serious with you because the truth is the truth, and you know Jesus is your only hope.  But that choice is really up to you ... So, now that you know the truth, I am no longer accountable for your blood.  You are the one with the choice. I already made mine, and that's to serve My Lord and Savior Jesus, Christ of Nazareth. I gotta go to sleep now. But when you're ready to have a serious talk rather than playing a mind game, send me an e-mail.

666: Sure thing. I look forward to meeting Jesus. I have to give him something.

DTA: By the way do you by any chance know a M—— Fernandez???

666 does not respond.

DTA: Oh well, never mind. California is a big place, you probably don't. Never mind.

666: I might have a Fernandez or two amongst my minions.

DTA: Not for long, in the Name of Jesus! Goodnight! and God Bless You!

666: I love all women. Look for me when you die! Goodnight, sweet lady.

DTA: I sure will, in Heaven!  In Jesus' Name!

DTA logs off the IP.

These dialogues were selected from Christian Chicks & The Devil: Weirdo Thinking, which is available for purchase in the Pamphlets section.