William Swig, using Satan's screen name (666), sends an Internet message (IM) to Miss Football Playa (MFP), whose personal quote is: "God is not just someone you believe in. He is so much more."
666: I desperately need your help. My name is William Swig. Satan kidnapped me and is holding me prisoner in Hell.
MFP: How were you kidnapped by Satan? Did you give him your soul?
666: No, he stole it. The bastard!
MFP: And how is that? He can't do that.
666: Well, I was in the process of re-examining my faith in God, when Satan popped out of nowhere and took my soul. I didn't even know he could do that. But God seems to have forsaken me.
MFP: The Bible says God will never leave you or forsake you. So, no.
666: Then how do you explain my situation?
MFP: You rejected Jesus as your personal Savior, and you didn't believe that He died on the Cross to pay your sins. How old are you?
666 does not respond.
MFP: Are you still there?
There is a long pause.
666: Sorry about that. I had to hide. Satan came back. I'm lucky he didn't look at the computer screen and see our chat.
MFP: Where are you?
666: I'm trapped in Hell. Didn't I tell you that?
MFP: The computer isn't burning up?
666: Satan has air-conditioning in his office.
MFP: Ha, ha! So you're dead. I understand you didn't trust the Lord to be your personal Savior, and you died and went to Hell. I wish I could help you. I would in a heartbeat, but being in Hell is eternal.
666: Hey! That gives me an idea. I bet my body is still where I died. Do you know where California is?
MFP: Yes. Where in California?
666: Well, I died in Death Valley. Do you know where that is?
MFP: Yes. What will I do with your body?
666: Once you locate it, can you search the surrounding area? Satan didn't seem to expect me. He just floated out of the ground, grew angry with my presence and killed me. So, I bet he lives close by. If you can find the entrance to Hell, then you can rescue me.
MFP: I can't go in there. Find your own way out.
666: You MUST help me! I don't want to be stuck down here forever. It's so hot down here. I can't stand it.
MFP: So get out the way you came in.
666: It's not that easy. Only a Christian soul can move freely in and out of Hell. And I'm not a Christian.
MFP: Why not?
666: I could never remember the prayers.
MFP: You don't need to remember them. Prayer comes from your heart. Besides, you don't even know if I'm a Christian.
666: Well, are you?
MFP: YES. I am.
666: In that case, I think you can help me.
MFP: Christians can't go to Hell.
666: I have lots of money. I would pay you.
MFP: I don't need money. I work for the money I need.
666: I'll have sex with you once a week. How's that?
MFP: I don't want to have sex with you. That will be for my husband when I get married. I'm sorry. I can't go to Hell. Once you're there you're there forever.
666: Would you be willing to tell the police that I'm down here?
MFP: I don't think the police would believe me. I'm sorry.
666: I think I hear Satan coming ...
There is a long pause.
666: Wow! That was a close one. I hid under the desk. Satan almost caught me again.
MFP: That would have sucked.
666: Last time he caught me in his office I got fifty lashes—in front of everybody!
There is a brief pause.
666: Well, I don't know … Is there anything you can do to help me? If not, I better move on to the next Christian chick.
MFP: No Christian chick can help you, and you know that. Don't you?
666: No, I don't. I hope you're wrong.
MFP: I know I'm not.
666: I think there are more charitable souls than you.
MFP: Hey, buddy! I know what I'm talking about. I give a lot for people. I help as much as I can.
666: I'm on a quest, Miss Football Playa. I WILL find a Christian chick to help me.
MFP: No one can get you out of Hell.
666: The least you could do is call the White House and tell them to look for my body. Is that asking too much?
MFP: No one will believe me. But I will tell the cops what you said.
666: Thank you! Thank you so much!
MFP: Right on, buddy.
666: I'm writing down your screen name. I'll let you know if they find me. Thanks again! Now it's time to move on to another chick and see if she can tell the cops, too.
MFP: Ok. Have fun.
666 stops sending IMs to MFP.
666 sends an IM to Eel Eye (EEL), a Jesus girl who plays basketball.
666: Are you afraid of Hell?
666: Would you go to Hell in order to rescue an innocent soul?
EEL: There is no such thing as an innocent soul, for we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of GOD!!!
666: Did you see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion of the Christ?
EEL: OF COURSE!!!
666: Did you like it?
EEL: IT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE!!! It was so real and true. But it was worse 2000 years ago.
666: What was your favorite scene?
EEL: It would have to be when the criminal repented, and Jesus said, "Today you will be with me in Paradise."
666: That was a sweet scene. But I liked the one where the Romans tortured Jesus and ripped His flesh to shreds. That was cool!
EEL: I got to go.
EEL stops sending IMs to 666.
These dialogues were selected from Christian Chicks & The Man in Hell: God Knows What You're Typing, which is available for purchase in the Pamphlets section.