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Dialogues with Christian Chicks
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Malachi Tortuga (MAL) sends an Internet Message (IM) to Missy (MIS), a single mother who loves to read her Book of Mormon. MAL: How are you? MIS: I'm doing just fine. Who are you? MAL: My name is Malachi Tortuga, private investigator. I'm trying to locate Jesus Christ. May I ask you some questions about him? MIS: Ha, ha! Are you serious? MAL: Very serious. I won't take much of your time. Are you Mormon? MIS: Yes. Why are you asking me? MAL: I was told that the last person to see Jesus on Earth was a Mormon. You may have heard of this person. His name was Joseph Smith. I'm looking for other Mormons who've seen Jesus. MIS: Of course I know about Joseph Smith. I am Mormon. Is this some kind of prank? MAL: This is no prank. Have you seen the Christ recently? MIS: Yeah right!!! Are you, like, an anti-Mormon? MAL: I'm anti-nothing. I think Mormons are some of the most wonderful people alive. MIS: Of course Mormons are the most wonderful people. We belong to the true church. If you want to learn of Jesus Christ you can read about Him in the Bible or the Book of Mormon. MAL: Please. If you have seen Jesus, I would very much like to know when and where. It will help me immensely. Also, there is a cash award for any clue that leads to the discovery of the Christ. MIS: Ha, ha! Are you loony? What is your deal? MAL: Shall I mark you down as a negative response? MIS: Why did you pick me to IM? What is up with that? Are you, like, searching profiles? MAL: I am questioning the followers of Joseph Smith, because he was allegedly the last man to see Jesus on Earth. Now, you said that you belong to the "true church." Does that mean you know Jesus? MIS: Of course I know Him. He is my Savior. If you want to know Him you can go to a local Mormon church and ask to take the 6 missionary discussions. Then you will know the truth. MAL: I don't exactly want to know him. I just need to locate him. MIS: He is not on this earth, and I think that you know that. If you have sincere questions about my church and our beliefs, I will be more than happy to help. But quit with the private eye stuff. MAL: Does Jesus attend your church? MIS: Okay, this is getting stupid. Unless you've, like, lived in a bubble, then you know the answers to these questions. If you want to have silly conversations about Christ, go talk to a born-again Christian. I'm sure they would love to help you. They know everything. MAL: Well, if you change your mind about helping me find Jesus, please drop me an e-mail. And remember, sometimes the smallest clue can lead to the biggest discovery. MIS: Ha, ha! Okay. Bye. MAL stops sending IMs to MIS. MISS PRINCESS MAL sends an IM to Miss Princess (MSP), a Mormon foosball player. MAL: Are you still a Mormon? MSP: Yes. MAL: I've been hired to find Jesus. Have you spoken to him lately? MSP: What? MAL: I'm a private detective trying to locate Jesus Christ. Do you know where he lives? MSP: Celestial kingdom. MAL: Do you have an address? MSP: No. MAL: Do you speak to Jesus? MSP: Not directly. I talk to Him through the Holy Ghost. MAL: I see. What can you tell me about this Holy Ghost fella? Is he a friend of Jesus? MSP: Yeah, sort of like a secretary. MAL: Oh, so the Holy Ghost is a woman? MSP: I can't really say. I don't know. MAL: I would like to find this Holy Ghost person. Is there anything else you can tell me about him or her? MSP: Um … I think you need help. MAL: Yes, indeed. I need help finding Jesus. MSP: Try: www.mormon.org. MAL: I've been to that website, but it doesn't have a current address for the Christ. MSP: He doesn't accept mail. MAL: Oh … Well, if you recall anything about Mr. Christ's secretary, please send me an e-mail. Thanks for your time. MAL stops sending IMs to MSP. These dialogues were selected from Mormon Girls & The Private Eye: Experience the Warm Feeling, which is available for purchase in the Pamphlets section.
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