Angry Cows Sue Media
Washington cattle claim photograph destroys their chances of being eaten.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003 Posted: 10:06 AM EST
WASHINGTON—A pair of cows, named Hillary and Tipper, have filed a lawsuit against several media organizations, including CNN. They are suing over the use of their images in connection with stories about the recent discovery of mad cow disease in Washington, said CNN spokesperson Gloria Beefhater.
The lawsuit charges the media with knowingly publishing misleading pictures of perfectly healthy bovine, in an obvious attempt to convince the general public that these immaculately clean cows are diseased and should not be eaten.
Hillary and Tipper are especially distressed by an Associated Press photograph (see above), which has been published in countless newspapers and on numerous Web sites. The photograph depicts Hillary and Tipper under quarantine at the Sunny Dene Ranch in Mabton, where a cow infected with mad cow disease recently grazed.
"Moo moo mooooo," said Hillary, which in cow language means, "This single photograph is responsible for my continued incarceration. Nobody wants to eat me anymore! I am not mad, but I am angry. I just want to be free to be slaughtered and eaten like any other cow. I have my rights you know."
"Moo moo moo!" Tipper added, meaning, "I don't blame the people for not wanting to eat us. After all, who would want to go to McDonald's after seeing these horrible, misleading pictures everywhere? People think us Washington cows all have a disease or something. And for that misunderstanding I blame the media. If it weren't for the biased media, Hillary and I would already have been slaughtered and eaten, instead of being forced to stand out here in the snow, freezing our asses off. God! I wish I were in sunny California, because California cows are happy cows."
The cows' pleas for help from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have fallen on deaf ears. PETA spokesperson, Knaht Toobrite said, "We don't believe in animals who want to be slaughtered and eaten. We only believe in animals who don't want to be slaughtered and eaten. In fact, we don't believe that Hillary and Tipper are real cows. So we really have no reason to hear their pleas for assistance."
Asked what she will do if people don't eat her, Hillary said, "Tipper and I are thinking of opening up our own slaughterhouse restaurant. It's a new concept in dining that we think will become the next big thing. While parents eat juicy steaks, their kids can watch us slaughter animals. It's fun for the whole family."