LORD GOD UNAPOLOGETIC OVER BABY JESUS STUNT
LOS ANGELES (Jan. 8)—Early this morning Jehovah plagued three child welfare advocates who voiced disapproval of the Lord's past treatment of His Son, Jesus Christ. They had demanded that God apologize for letting Jesus die at the hands of evil humans two thousand years ago.
In a statement to the press, God defended His actions saying, "Humans don't tell me what to do. I tell them what to do. Got it?"
The dying, sore-covered child welfare advocates have continued to speak out against God, despite the Lord's commandment not to. "Mr. Jehovah can torture us all He wants," said Wanda Smiting from the Social Institute for Newborns (SIN). "The fact remains, He knowingly put that little boy's life in danger the moment He told Simeon to show Jesus to the people of the temple."
SIN is a child welfare group in Los Angeles. They believe the Crucifixion could have been avoided, and Jesus' life could have been saved, if only God had not ordered Simeon and others to tell the world that baby Jesus was the Lord's Son and the Savior of Mankind. According to SIN, God is responsible for the widespread resentment and hatred that nonbelievers had for Jesus—a hatred which eventually led to Christ's murder on the Cross.
"It's worse than that," Pepper Spray, another child advocate, remarked. "God also told Jesus himself to brag about being the Son of God. People soon got tired of hearing this and nailed Him up. SIN is here to say that we strongly disapprove of Jehovah's past behavior, which placed His Son in a very dangerous—and ultimately lethal—situation."
Immediately after that statement, Pepper Spray succumbed to the plague.
Others have accused God of using Jesus as a publicity stunt, meant to help revive interest in the Word. Comparisons have been made to recent cases, such as Michael Jackson dangling his baby over a balcony in Berlin, and the "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin holding his defenseless newborn while feeding a 13-foot crocodile at a freak show in Australia.
God angrily dismissed such charges, shouting to the world: "You're all going to Hell!"